Dear Deluded Heart,
Growing up, I always feared that moment of binding commitment. Each decision would weigh heavy on me, because I knew my decisions came with the curse of “forever”…
Like the keeping of the most sacred of vows, once I made a choice, I’d compel myself to stand by it. Whilst this made me a woman of my word, it also made me a woman of a few words; I knew I had to tread carefully, for I had no second chance.
Committed to the cause, I stripped myself of the virtue of a restart; a change of mind, heart or circumstance was a luxury I did not allow myself to have. I told myself I could only choose once, and then tied my fate to my decisions. My choices were not subjected to change, and that was a heavy burden to bear.
But I’m finally surrendering to change.
We are in the presence of constant change – both around us and within – a perpetual state of growth; growing bigger, growing better, growing apart, and growing towards. The presence of growth, means that we are not bound by our choices or actions, as each second of the day presents us with a new version of ourselves. As we shed our old skins and emerge into our new selves, we can begin to reinvent.
This is something I’ve finally accepted, and all the versions of me within are rejoicing at this new awoken state; knowing I can become whoever I want to be, at any given time, because I can change course…
– The girl within me, who once made wrong choices, is released from the weight of her mistakes, because she has not condemned me for eternity; I can move on and change course.
– The carefree girl from my childhood knows that she can return from her ceaseless slumber and come out to play soon, because she’s not been forsaken; I can bring her back and change course.
– My ambitious self now has the free reign to reimagine new heights and feed them to me, because I can have multiple visions; I can reselect and change course.
– My overcautious self can now loosen up and be adventurous, knowing that no fall is damning, because I can always start again; I can rise and change course.
– The inner romantic in me can now have the confidence to take risks, because she can afford to give her heart and change her mind; I can rethink and change course.
– The girl that is called upon to choose my path now, is released from the burden of an unchanging fate, because I am changing everyday; I have the freedom to change course, at will.
I can leave everything I once knew behind me, and I can change. In this instance, surrendering to change makes me no martyr to the cause. Rejecting it does.
And with that, I begin my new start…
Diary of a Deluded Heart
Written: August 14th 2016
Published: November 27th 2016